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In lugnet.castle, Anthony Sava writes:
> Superbly written Matt. You've really captured the essence of aristocracy in
> the way your characters speak. I must say the amount of five dollar words in
> your story signifigantly dwarfs the number in my own.
Did you mean by any chance, your story dwarfs in five
dollar words compared to mine, or the other way
around? Hmm...^_^
> However, and maybe it's
> just me, and perhaps I'm just not cultured enough, I find it rather difficult
> to read so many five dollar words in such rapid succession, as well as so many
> similies and metaphors back to back.
Thanks for the feedback.
> Here are some points of constructive criticism from my perspective. You can
> take them or leave them, I am certainly NOT an authority on story telling. To
> tell you the truth I read very little, though I write much. So perhaps my
> opinions are flawed from the very start. In any case:
Heh...I hardly read enough as is...I draw a lot of anime,
though, so that's a source of inspiration.
http://www.lugnet.com/~1112/Anime
> First off, it would be helpful to break up your long sentances. I find myself
> needing a break half way through some of them for lack of pause. In my
> opinion, you really need to go through and replace half your commas with
> periods, I think doing so would vastly improve the readability.
Yeah, that's a small discrepency of mine, unfortunately...when
I write, I tend to place it in a drawn, poetic stance, although
that can sometimes drag into ostensibly long paragraphs. I
just try to go for as much detail as possible, so when you
read it, you're not just getting detail, but a rather
picturesque view of the story as it plays out.
> Secondly, while I applaud you in creating characters of high intelligence and
> culture, I find their interplay to be forced. What I mean is, there are
> several times where a character's response isn't very believable or meaningful,
> as if they're tripping over their own use of big words.
Ah, yes, I've had many a person tell me about the
five dollar word factor. However, they're kind of
forced from the start. Dash is rather suave at times,
and exbiits extreme emotion very rarely. (as a
battle hardened agent of the order of the draken,
he is eerily reminscent of a technological world
several thousand years ago. So at times, he may
seem a bit cold.)
> At one point you have a character in shock and disbelief on how calm the other
> is, but as she finishes her lines, the apparent emotions in her words seem to
> trail off and disappear.
> ' "Reflecting? How could you remain so calm within times of trial such as these?
> An impending war may ravage all of the province, and you remain centered and
> calm? How is this possible, I might ask?" '
Hmm...should have put a little exclamation mark after the ask.
Can you quote several more instances?
> Maybe I'm reading too much emotion into it, and maybe this is the style you're
> going for. If so, just ignore all that I've said.
Ah, comments are good...not enough people review
my work as is, so any comments are nice. I'll probably
correct these errors when I get a chance.
> And as a last point I'd like to say this. Your story could really be
> something. But unfortunately, without pictures and illustrations to go along
> with it, I think your story will flounder and drown in this forum. What I
> suggest you do is go out and find a different forum in which to show off your
> work, at least until you have the opportunity to illustrate it. If you don't
> have any plans to do so, then I strongly urge you to find a different place to
> showcase this story. There are many online groups where fiction such as this
> is revered and given high praise, and that would be a better place for it than
> here.
Well, an apparent lack of a digicam has completely thrown
my abject in finishing the project. (once I acquire one
of those, hopefully for christmas) the project will finally
sprout wings.) Well, if you wish, I'll just keep the story
under my page until then.
> Don't let my criticism get you down though, like I said, it was a great bit of
> writing. I am humbled by your skills.
>
> --Anthony
Thank you. This project really is something. I'm
working on rewriting the original chapters right now,
and with christmas and all, I think I really have
a shot at illustrating it. Hopefully, some time soon.
Peace out,
<<_Matt Hein_>>
Fellow lego enthusiast
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Message is in Reply To:
 | | Re: Please read this!
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| (...) Superbly written Matt. You've really captured the essence of aristocracy in the way your characters speak. I must say the amount of five dollar words in your story signifigantly dwarfs the number in my own. However, and maybe it's just me, and (...) (21 years ago, 16-Dec-02, to lugnet.castle, lugnet.general)
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